I made a shocking discovery about myself yesterday. I realised that until recently I have never worn pink (a proper bright in your face one). I positively love pink now, painting with it and wearing it, the brighter the better! It got me thinking, why was this? Being an artist I know how emotive colour is, that each of us sees the same colour slightly differently, that we all have different emotional associations with particular colours due to our different lived experiences. It reminded me that when I was little I would always insist that my favourite colour was blue and I hated anything pink. I considered myself a “Tom-boy”, I loved climbing trees, making dens outside, being active, I HATED wearing dresses. I secretly wanted to be pretty but in an effortless, completely natural way. I remember when I first wore the tiniest smear of lipstick to school, and I was mortified when a friend noticed and called me out on it. I obviously associated pink with being feminine and sadly felt that being feminine was a bad thing. I thought pink was fluffy, superficial, unintelligent, weak. I’m not even sure what the definition of feminine is, are the terms “masculine” and “feminine” even relevant now? I suppose now I believe femininity is sensitive, compassionate, expressive and nurturing which are such important traits. But I can also feel strong, determined, powerful, angry – more stereotypically masculine traits.

Is this just my generation that had these negative connotations with being feminine, or is it just me? Do my nieces feel the same about pink – I hope this isn’t the case, I hope being feminine now is something to celebrate. There is no one way to be a woman (or a man come to that) I think we all inhabit the spaces in-between our sexual orientation, colour, class, gender identity, age, ability, and other identities.

It’s strange, making these new discoveries about yourself in midlife, I can’t believe I carried this internalised misogyny with me until now. The older I get the more I realise how little I know about myself and the world I live in. But I think this peeling back the layers and uncovering parts of ourselves is healthy, not being afraid to examine and give them a little prod, like a curious toddler with a stick! Everyday I’m learning to love and accept myself, the good, the bad and the ugly. I feel like this unfolding allows me to reclaim parts of myself. This can only be a good thing.

Do you have a colour that you feel strongly about? These knee jerk emotions are clues to deeper, hidden parts of ourselves. Have you questioned this reaction and thought about why?